TED英语演讲：一个人有朋友就不算失败
在《头号玩家》中其中一个反派即将失败的时候，说了一句这样的话：一个人有朋友就不算失败A man with a friend is not failed.在中国也有一句俗语“多个朋友多条路“你认识了更多层面的人，他们带给你的不仅仅是更广的视野，也会使你的人生增加更多的可能性。不要把自己封闭起来，尝试走出去，把自己的人际圈经营得更加丰富多彩，这样可能给你带来意想不到的灵感和收获。下面是小编为大家收集关于TED英语演讲：一个人有朋友就不算失败，欢迎借鉴参考。
A man with a friend is not failed!
演说者：Tanya Menon
演讲稿
I started teaching MBA students 17 yearsago. Sometimes I run into my students years later. And when I run into them, afunny thing happens. I don't remember just their faces; I also remember whereexactly in the classroom they were sitting. And I remember who they weresitting with as well. This is not because I have any special superpowers of memory. The reason I can remember them is because they are creatures of habit.They are sitting with their favorite people in their favorite seats. They findtheir twins, they stay with them for the whole year.
我教企业管理硕士学生有十七年的时间。有时，我会在几年后巧遇我的学生。当我巧遇他们时，会发生一件有趣的事。我不只记得他们的脸，我还记得他们在教室中是坐在哪个位置，以及和谁坐在一起。我能记住这些，不是因为我有记忆超能力。是因为他们是习惯性的生物。他们会和最喜欢的人一起坐，坐在他们最喜欢的座位，找和自己极相似的人，一整年都和这些人待在一起。
Now, the danger of this for my students isthey're at risk of leaving the university with just a few people who areexactly like them. They're going to squander their chance for an international,diverse network. How could this happen to them? My students are open-minded.They come to business school precisely so that they can get great networks.
这情况对我的学生的危险之处在于他们担当的风险是只和极少数与自身非常相像的人一起离开大学，他们将会浪费掉国际性、多元化网络的机会。他们怎么会发生这种事?我的学生是心胸开放的。他们来到商学院为的正是能取得很好的网络。
Now, all of us socially narrow in ourlives, in our school, in work, and so I want you to think about this one. Howmany of you here brought a friend along for this talk? I want you to look atyour friend a little bit. Are they of the same nationality as you? Are they ofthe same gender as you? Are they of the same race? Really look at them closely.Don't they kind of look like you as well?
我们所有人在生活上、在学校、在工作中的社交都是狭窄的，所以，我希望你们能想想这一点。在座有多少人，带了朋友一起来听这场演讲?我希望你们能看一下你们的朋友。他们的国籍和你相同吗?他们的性别和你相同吗?他们的种族相同吗?真正去近看他们。他们是不是看起来也和你很像?
The muscle people are together, and thepeople with the same hairstyles and the checked shirts.
肌肉发达的人在一起，还有发型相同的人，都穿格子上衣的人。
We all do this in life. We all do it inlife, and in fact, there's nothing wrong with this. It makes us comfortable tobe around people who are similar. The problem is when we're on a precipice,right? When we're in trouble, when we need new ideas, when we need new jobs,when we need new resources -- this is when we really pay a price for living ina clique.
我们在人生中都会这么做。我们在人生中都会这么做，事实上，这并没有什么不好。和相似的人在一起让我们感到舒服。当我们在危急处境中时才会有问题，对吗?当我们有麻烦时，需要新点子时，需要新工作时，需要新资源时──这时，身在小团体中，就会要付出代价。
Mark Granovetter, the sociologist, had afamous paper "The Strength of Weak Ties," and what he did in thispaper is he asked people how they got their jobs. And what he learned was thatmost people don't get their jobs through their strong ties -- their father,their mother, their significant other. They instead get jobs through weak ties,people who they just met.
社会学家马克格兰诺维特有一篇著名的论文，叫「弱连结的力量」，他在这篇论文中做的是去问人们他们如何得到他们的工作。他发现大部分的人不是从他们的强连结──父亲、母亲、另一半──得到工作，而是从弱连结──刚认识的人──得到工作。
So if you think about what the problem is with yourstrong ties, think about your significant other, for example. The network isredundant. Everybody that they know, you know. Or I hope you know them. Right?Your weak ties -- people you just met today -- they are your ticket to a wholenew social world.
所以，如果你要思考强连结的问题在哪，想想比如你的另一半。这网络是多余的。他们认识的人，你也都认识。我希望你认识他们，对吧?你的弱连结──你今天才认识的人──他们是让你通往全新社交世界的门票。
The thing is that we have this amazingticket to travel our social worlds, but we don't use it very well. Sometimes westay awfully close to home. And today, what I want to talk about is: What arethose habits that keep human beings so close to home, and how can we be alittle bit more intentional about traveling our social universe?
问题是，我们有这张很棒的门票，可以遨游我们的社交世界，但我们没有好好用它。有时，我们待在离家非常近的地方。今天，我想要谈的是这个：是什么习惯让人类持续待在离家近的地方，以及我们要如何更刻意一点去游遍我们的社交宇宙?
So let's look at the first strategy. Thefirst strategy is to use a more imperfect social search engine. What I mean bya social search engine is how you are finding and filtering your friends. Andso people always tell me, "I want to get lucky through the network. I wantto get a new job. I want to get a great opportunity."
让我们先来谈第一条策略。第一条策略是要用更多不完美的社交搜索引擎。我所谓的社交搜索引擎是你如何找到和筛选你的朋友。人们总是告诉我：「我想要透过网络来走运。我想要找份新工作。我想要有很好的机会。」
And I say,"Well, that's really hard, because your networks are so fundamentallypredictable." Map out your habitual daily footpath, and what you'llprobably discover is that you start at home, you go to your school or yourworkplace, you maybe go up the same staircase or elevator, you go to thebathroom -- the same bathroom -- and the same stall in that bathroom, you endup in the gym, then you come right back home.
我说：「嗯，那真的很难，因为你的网络基本上是非常可预测的。」画出你习惯的日常路径，你很可能会发现，你从家里开始，你去上学或上班，你可能会从同样的楼梯或电梯上楼，你去厕所，同一间厕所，用那厕所的同一隔间，你最后到了健身房，然后你就回家了。
It's like stops on a trains chedule. It's that predictable. It's efficient, but the problem is, you'reseeing exactly the same people. Make your network slightly more inefficient. Goto a bathroom on a different floor. You encounter a whole new network ofpeople.
就像火车靠站时刻表一样。就是那么可预测。它很有效率，但问题是，你遇见的人都一样。让你的网络稍微不要那么有效率。去不同楼层的厕所。你会遇到一个全新的人脉网络。
The other side of it is how we are actuallyfiltering. And we do this automatically. The minute we meet someone, we arelooking at them, we meet them, we are initially seeing, "You'reinteresting." "You're not interesting." "You're relevant."We do this automatically. We can't even help it. And what I want to encourageyou to do instead is to fight your filters. I want you to take a look aroundthis room, and I want you to identify the least interesting person that yousee, and I want you to connect with them over the next coffee break. And I wantyou to go even further than that. What I want you to do is find the mostirritating person you see as well and connect with them.
它的另一面，是我们实际上做筛选的方式。我们会自动筛选。在我们见到一个人时，我们会看他们，见到他们，我们一开始就会看到：「你很有趣。」「你不有趣。」「你很重要。」我们会自动做这件事。我们无法控制。我想要鼓励各位做的是，对抗你的筛选器。我希望你们能环视一下这间房间，我希望你们找出你所看见最无趣的人，我希望你们能在下次休息时间去和他们做连结。我希望你们还能做更多。我也希望你们能去找到你们所看见最恼人的人，去与他们做连结。
What you are doing with this exercise isyou are forcing yourself to see what you don't want to see, to connect with whoyou don't want to connect with, to widen your social world. To truly widen,what we have to do is, we've got to fight our sense of choice. We've got tofight our choices. And my students hate this, but you know what I do?
做这项练习的目的是要强迫你自己去看见你不想看见的，去和你不想连结的人连结，去拓宽你的社交世界。要真正拓宽，我们得要做的是，我们得要对抗我们对选择的感受。我们得要对抗我们的选择。我的学生很讨厌这样，但猜猜我怎么做?
I won'tlet them sit in their favorite seats. I move them around from seat to seat. Iforce them to work with different people so there are more accidental bumps inthe network where people get a chance to connect with each other. And westudied exactly this kind of an intervention at Harvard University.
我不让他们坐在他们最爱的位子。我让他们一直换位子坐。我强迫他们去和不同的人合作，在网络中就会有更意外的颠簸起伏，让人们有机会可以彼此连结。我们在哈佛大学就是在研究这种干预方法。
At Harvard,when you look at the rooming groups, there's freshman rooming groups, peopleare not choosing those roommates. They're of all different races, all differentethnicities. Maybe people are initially uncomfortable with those roommates, butthe amazing thing is, at the end of a year with those students, they're able toovercome that initial discomfort. They're able to find deep-level commonalitieswith people.
在哈佛，如果去看住宿的团体，会有新鲜人住宿团体，人们不选择室友。他们都是不同的种族、不同的人种。许多人一开始对自己的室友感到不舒服，但，让人惊奇的是，在年末，那些学生能够克服一开始的不舒服。他们能在人身上找到更深层的共同性。
So the takeaway here is not just "takesomeone out to coffee." It's a little more subtle. It's "go to thecoffee room." When researchers talk about social hubs, what makes a socialhub so special is you can't choose; you can't predict who you're going to meetin that place. And so with these social hubs, the paradox is, interestinglyenough, to get randomness, it requires, actually, some planning.
这里要给各位的讯息不只是「找人出去喝杯咖啡」。还要更微妙一点。是「去咖啡厅」。当研究者谈论社交中心时 ，社交中心之所以特别，就是因为你无法选择;你无法预测你在那个地方会遇见谁。关于这些社交中心，有趣的是一个矛盾：若要有随机性，需要的其实是规划。
In one university that I worked at, there was a mail room on every single floor. Whatthat meant is that the only people who would bump into each other are those whoare actually on that floor and who are bumping into each other anyway. At another university I worked at, there was only one mail room, so all the faculty from all over that building would run into each other in that social hub.A simple change in planning, a huge difference in the traffic of people and theaccidental bumps in the network.
在我工作的其中一间大学，在每层楼都有一间收发室。那就意味着，会巧遇到的人都只有在同一层楼的人，而他们本来就会遇见彼此。在我工作的另一间大学，只有一间收发室，所以整栋大楼所有的教职员就会在那社交中心巧遇彼此。在规划上做个简单的改变，就能对人的交流及网络中的意外巧遇造成很大的不同。
Here's my question for you: What are youdoing that breaks you from your social habits? Where do you find yourself inplaces where you get injections of unpredictable diversity? And my studentsgive me some wonderful examples. They tell me when they're doing pickupbasketball games, or my favorite example is when they go to a dog park. Theytell me it's even better than online dating when they're there.
我想要问各位的问题是：你能做什么，来让你脱离你的社交习惯?你在什么地方能够被注入无法预测的多样性?我的学生给了我一些很棒的例子。他们告诉我：在比赛篮球时，和我最爱的例子──去公园遛狗时。他们告诉我，在那里甚至比在线约会还要更好。
So the real thing that I want you to thinkabout is we've got to fight our filters. We've got to make ourselves a littlemore inefficient, and by doing so, we are creating a more imprecise socialsearch engine. And you're creating that randomness, that luck that is going tocause you to widen your travels, through your social universe.
我真正希望各位去思考，我们得要对抗我们的筛选器。我们得要让自己不那么有效率，这么做时，我们就是在创造一个不那么精准的社交搜索引擎。你是在创造随机性，它就是运气，能拓展你在社交宇宙中所旅行的范围。
But in fact, there's more to it than that.Sometimes we actually buy ourselves a second-class ticket to travel our socialuniverse. We are not courageous when we reach out to people. Let me give you anexample of that. A few years ago, I had a very eventful year. That year, Imanaged to lose a job, I managed to get a dream job overseas and accept it, Ihad a baby the next month, I got very sick, I was unable to take the dream job.
但，事实上，不只是如此。有时，我们真的会买到二等舱的票，在我们的社交宇宙中旅行。当我们接触别人时，我们不够勇敢。让我举个例子。几年前，我有一年遇到非常多事。那一年，我失去了一个工作，在海外得到了一个梦想的工作，且我接受了，再下一个月我生了孩子，我病得非常重，我无法去接那份梦想的工作。
And so in a few weeks, what ended up happening was, I lost my identity as afaculty member, and I got a very stressful new identity as a mother. What Ialso got was tons of advice from people. And the advice I despised more thanany other advice was, "You've got to go network with everybody." Whenyour psychological world is breaking down, the hardest thing to do is to tryand reach out and build up your social world.
所以，在仅仅几周，最后发生的结果是，我失去了教职员的身份，我得了到一个非常有压力的新身份：母亲。我还得到了人们给的一大堆意见。在所有意见中，我最鄙视的一则是：「你得要去和大家建立网络。」当你的精神世界在崩坏时，最困难的事就是试着向外伸出手，建立你的社交世界。
And so we studied exactly this idea on amuch larger scale. What we did was we looked at high and low socioeconomicstatus people, and we looked at them in two situations. We looked at them firstin a baseline condition, when they were quite comfortable. And what we foundwas that our lower socioeconomic status people, when they were comfortable,were actually reaching out to more people. They thought of more people.
所以，我们更大规模地探究了这个想法。我们的做法是，我们去看社会经济地位高与低的人，我们在两种情况下去看他们。我们先在基线条件下去看他们，也就是他们很舒适的时候。我们发现，社会经济地位较低的人在舒适的时候，其实比较会向外接触更多的人。他们会去想更多的人。
Theywere also less constrained in how they were networking. They were thinking ofmore diverse people than the higher-status people. Then we asked them to thinkabout maybe losing a job. We threatened them. And once they thought about that,the networks they generated completely differed. The lower socioeconomic statuspeople reached inwards.
他们在建立网络上比较没有受限制。比起高社会经济地位的人，他们会去想更多样化的人。接着，我们要他们去想象可能失去工作的情况。我们威胁他们。一旦他们有那样的想法，他们产生出的网络就全然不同了。社会经济地位较低的人会向内接触人。
They thought of fewer people. They thought ofless-diverse people. The higher socioeconomic status people thought of morepeople, they thought of a broader network, they were positioning themselves tobounce back from that setback.
他们会去想的人比较少。他们会去想的人比较不多样化。社会经济地位较高的人会去想比较多的人，他们会去想比较广的网络，他们会把自己放在受挫之后重整旗鼓的位置。
Let's consider what this actually means.Imagine that you were being spontaneously unfriended by everyone in yournetwork other than your mom, your dad and your dog.
让我们来想想这到底是什么意思。想象一下，你被你网络中的所有人都自发性地解除朋友关系，只剩下你的妈妈、爸爸，和你的狗。
This is essentially what we are doing atthese moments when we need our networks the most. Imagine -- this is what we'redoing. We're doing it to ourselves. We are mentally compressing our networkswhen we are being harassed, when we are being bullied, when we are threatenedabout losing a job, when we feel down and weak. We are closing ourselves off,isolating ourselves, creating a blind spot where we actually don't see ourresources. We don't see our allies, we don't see our opportunities.
基本上，这就是我们在最需要网络的时刻所做的事。想象一下──这就是我们在做的，我们对自己做的事。我们在心理上压缩我们的网络，当我们被骚扰时，当我们被霸凌时，当我们被威胁会失去工作时，当我们感到消沉且软弱时，就会发生。我们把自己封闭，把自己孤立，创造出一个盲点，让我们看不见我们的资源。看不见我们的盟友，看不见我们的机会。
How can we overcome this? Two simplestrategies. One strategy is simply to look at your list of Facebook friends andLinkedIn friends just so you remind yourself of people who are there beyondthose that automatically come to mind. And in our own research, one of thethings we did was, we considered Claude Steele's research on self-affirmation:simply thinking about your own values, networking from a place of strength.What Leigh Thompson, Hoon-Seok Choi and I were able to do is, we found thatpeople who had affirmed themselves first were able to take advice from peoplewho would otherwise be threatening to them.
我们要如何克服这状况?有两项简单的策略。其一很简单，就是去看你的脸书朋友名单，还有LinkedIn，让你能够提醒自己，除了自动出现在你脑海中的人之外，还有别人在。在我们自己的研究中，我们做的其中一件事是我们从自我肯定的角度来思考克劳德斯蒂尔的研究：只要想想你自己的价值，从一个有力量的地方建立网络。迈克汤普森、崔勋石，和我一起做的是，我们发现，先肯定自己的人，能够接受别人的意见，其他情况下，给意见者会被视为威胁。
Here's a last exercise. I want you to lookin your email in-box, and I want you to look at the last time you askedsomebody for a favor. And I want you to look at the language that you used. Didyou say things like, "Oh, you're a great resource," or "I oweyou one," "I'm obligated to you." All of this languagerepresents a metaphor. It's a metaphor of economics, of a balance sheet, ofaccounting, of transactions. And when we think about human relations in atransactional way, it is fundamentally uncomfortable to us as human beings. Wemust think about human relations and reaching out to people in more humaneways.
以下是最后一个练习。我希望各位去看看自己的电子邮件收件匣，找出最近一次你请别人帮忙是什么时候。请看看你所使用的表意方式。你是否有说这类的话：「你是很棒的资源。」或「我欠你一个人情。」「我对你有义务。」所有这些表意方式背后都有一个象征。那象征就是经济、资产负债表、会计、交易。如果你用交易的方式来看待人际关系，对我们人类而言，从根本上就会觉得不舒服。我们应该要用更人性的方式，来看待人际关系及向外去接触人。
Here's an idea as to how to do so. Look atwords like "please," "thank you," "you'rewelcome" in other languages. Look at the literal translation of thesewords. Each of these words is a word that helps us impose upon other people inour social networks. And so, the word "thank you," if you look at itin Spanish, Italian, French, "gracias," "grazie,""merci" in French. Each of them are "grace" and"mercy." They are godly words. There's nothing economic or transactional about those words.
至于要怎么做，这里有个想法。看看像「请」、「谢谢你」、「不客气」这些词在其他语言怎么说。看看这些词的字面翻译。这每一个词，都是在协助我们利用社交网络中的其他人。所以，针对「谢谢你」这个词，它们在西班牙文、意大利文、法文分别是「gracias」、「grazie」，以及「merci」。意思都是「优雅」和「慈悲」。它们是虔诚的词。这些词没有任何经济或交易的元素。
The word "you're welcome" isinteresting.The great persuasion theorist Robert Cialdini says we've got toget our favors back. So we need to emphasize the transaction a little bit more.He says, "Let's not say 'You're welcome.' Instead say, 'I know you'd dothe same for me.'" But sometimes it may be helpful to not think intransactional ways, to eliminate the transaction, to make it a little bit moreinvisible.
「不客气」这个词很有趣。伟大的说服理论学家罗伯特乔尔第尼说：我们得把人情要回来。所以我们得要多强调一点交易。他说：「让我们别说『不客气』」。改成「我知道换成你也会为我这么做。」但，有时，不用交易的方式来思考，可能会比较有帮助，把交易元素除去，让它更不显眼。
And in fact, if you look in Chinese, the word "bú kè qì"in Chinese, "You're welcome," means, "Don't be formal; we'refamily. We don't need to go through those formalities." And "kembali"in Indonesian is "Come back to me." When you say "You'rewelcome" next time, think about how you can maybe eliminate thetransaction and instead strengthen that social tie. Maybe "It's great tocollaborate," or "That's what friends are for."
事实上，如果看中文怎么说，「不客气」在中文的意思是「别这么拘泥礼节，我们是一家人，不需要这些礼节形式。」在印度尼西亚语中「kembali」的意思是「回来我这里」。下次当你要说「不客气」时，想想看你可以如何除去一些交易元素，改成加强社交连结。也许说「能一起合作很棒」，或「朋友不就该如此吗」。
I want you to think about how you thinkabout this ticket that you have to travel your social universe. Here's onemetaphor. It's a common metaphor: "Life is a journey." Right? It's atrain ride, and you're a passenger on the train, and there are certain peoplewith you. Certain people get on this train, and some stay with you, some leaveat different stops, new ones may enter. I love this metaphor, it's a beautifulone.
我希望各位能思考一下要怎么用你手上的这张票，在你的社交宇宙中旅行。以下是一个比喻。它是常见的比喻：「人生是一趟旅程。」对吧?它是趟火车旅程，你是火车上的一名乘客，有些人和你在一起。有些人会搭上这台火车，有些人会留下，有些人会在不同的站下车，可能有新乘客上车。我喜欢这个比喻，它很美丽。
But I want you to consider a different metaphor. This one is passive,being a passenger on that train, and it's quite linear. You're off to someparticular destination. Why not instead think of yourself as an atom, bumpingup against other atoms, maybe transferring energy with them, bonding with thema little and maybe creating something new on your travels through the socialuniverse.
但我希望各位能想想另一个比喻。身为火车乘客的这个比喻很被动，且它是很线性的。你要前往特定的目的地。为什么不改个方式，把你自己想成一个原子，和其他原子碰撞，也许和它们一起传送能量，和它们结合一下，也许在你的社交宇宙中旅行时，创造出新东西来。
Thank you so much. And I hope we bump intoeach other again.(Applause)
非常谢谢。我希望我们有机会再次碰撞。(掌声)
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